Colorado

One of my firsts and by far still my favourite occurrences on my journey took place in Colorado. I was actually going into town to purchase mittens since my fingerless gloves (don’t ask why I brought fingerless gloves and not real gloves) were not quite doing the job of keeping me warm. Passed by a store I was interested in and decided to take a look. I ended up spending over 6 hours having a chat with the store owner about spirituality, his own spiritual journey, life lessons, and all that good stuff I love communicating about.

I wanted to leave before sundown but the conversation was so good I stayed far past closing and dark. I was scared to drive back at night in the snow, but the experience was worth it. I told him about the start of my journey and my story, and he shared his previous experiences in life and his own journey. He ended up buying me dinner, and we sat in his store listening to each other. Every story he shared felt like a message destined for me; as if the Universe was sending a message for me through him.

Along with the life lessons and messages I felt like I was receiving from the Universe through him, he also gave me the highest form of a compliment I’ve ever received. I knew that he was not at all hitting on me or anything, he just genuinely wanted me to know this. He said that he has seen a lot of different auras, people, and energies as he went through his whole spiritual journey, and has even seen that of gods/ goddesses. He told me that when I walked into the store my energy/aura was the closest thing he’s seen in a human as to a goddess. He wasn’t complimenting my outer appearance or even a simple personality trait- he praised my whole energy and it made my heart warm and glow. I could tell that he wasn’t trying to impress me, toot my horn/ feed my ego, or wanting to gain anything from those exchange of words. He just simply wanted me to know. 

By the end of the night when I finally had to return to the place I was staying, he added one more thing as I walked through the door. He said, “alright, bye, love you! By the way, as much as you radiate such a strong Universal and unconditional love to others, even strangers, I can tell that there is a part of you…that has a very strong desire to be adored. And…I hope you find someone that gives you all of the affection you are seeking.” I didn’t take offense at all, but I was caught off guard because no one has ever pointed it out before and I was trying to decipher what that could mean. It actually took me almost a year to realize it fully. After thanking him for that piece of information, knowing he meant no harm by it, I really tried to think of what that meant. I was like, yes, who doesn’t want to be adored? And he said no like, an immense amount. I still didn’t necessarily see it as a problem, I thought it was normal. I was also on a self love and independence hype so I was surprised to hear someone telling me they hope I find an external source of affection. Most people would say I should give myself that love, or work on myself, but no, he said he hoped for me to find that missing part. It was puzzling, a different kind of response/ advice than I usually get. He definitely saw right through me, but as a good messenger he only gave me what I needed to figure it out on my own.  I continued on my journey with the thought always running in the back of my mind.

It wasn’t until after my relationship in Atlanta, Georgia was coming to a close that I realized how this was part of the root of a lot of my issues. At the beginning of the relationship, I thought I had found the external source he was referring to. In the end it turns out that wasn’t quite it but definitely a good experience. During the relationship I was working on myself and trying to work on the parts of me I found inconvenient when in a relationship. We had different love languages and he also didn’t feel the same about me and I found myself always craving more and more attention and affection. After thinking about it for almost a year I finally came to a realization. At this point I fully loved myself and always worked on and promoted self care. I knew that I fully accepted my flaws but was still trying to actively work on them to be a better version of myself constantly. I loved myself so much, how come it was never enough?

I dug a little deeper and thought to myself why isn’t my love for myself enough? Isn’t it supposed to be; like I love myself a lot and I’m happy but it’s like my ego craves that external attention and love. Why do I crave an external source, and is that really a bad thing? I remembered reading about how a lot of traumas that reside in your soul stem from your childhood. The way we were treated and raised can bring upon issues/ insecurities. Whatever we were lacking in our young and learning years, is what we crave and look for in a relationship. I always paid attention to the triggers, what makes me upset and feel uncared for. I couldn’t quite figure out why- but after realizing my lack of love as a child from my family when I was growing into an adult was the core reason why I crave such an immense amount of love (in a love language I practice and understand best) felt so freeing like I had made a huge discovery. 

Ironically, one time before this discovery when I went back to California to visit my family (whom we all have a much healthier relationship now that I’ve grown up and matured) and went for an acupuncture appointment- who I have been seeing since I was 15 years old. She offers a frequency test which pretty much reads the energetic frequency of everything in your body, whether it be your physical organs or even your mental health and your deepest traumas. She then gives you a month’s worth of frequency water- tuned by quantum energy to balance your imbalances and pretty much work on/ fix whatever issues arise on the test. Honestly, super fantastic and after doing several months of it and also going months not having it (since I get back on the road) I can definitely highly recommend this. 

Anyway, although my mental state was completely stable at this time we still decided to test and see what traumas are still residing in my mind that is holding me back from my fullest potential. To be honest, I feel like I came so far in my healing and have done so much shadow work I really felt like I have already addressed and overcame the biggest traumas I had. There was only one that showed up on the test- the desire to be loved. 

When I saw this I was like GREAT I know! It was confirmation and a subtle reminder that this deep trauma is still holding me back. Now what do I do with this information? It’s like okay I know the problem now, but how do I fix it? The frequency water helped, and I also felt it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Especially now that I am aware of the root of the issue I can actively work on it. Honestly I didn’t really do anything about it but I did find someone to fill those gaps in my soul. I found who he hoped I would find. It took months, but I finally learned what I needed from this beautiful soul I encountered in Colorado. I thank him all the time for the lovely talk we had :). And when all the dots connected, it felt like some shackles had unlocked and set a piece of my soul free.